fuckkkkk.
sometimes, it scares me how good i am at pretending that im okay





fuck this.
and today.
and mondays.
and working.
and school.
and being sick.
and not being able to stop coughing.
and when my stomach hurts so bad.
and fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.



i fucking miss you.

i have never felt so fucking alone.
i cant do this anymore.
i really cant.
this isnt getting any fucking easier.
everyday that goes by, just reminds me even more of how unhappy i am, and how much more unhappy i am becoming.
all i want to do is cry.
and be alone.
i dont have the strength to talk.
every time i do, it takes away so much of the nothing that i have left inside of me.
that probably doesnt make sense.
but to me it does.


i wish i had the strength to tell someone everything that is wrong.
because i only seem to complain about the little things on here.
fuck.
im ridiculous.

everything about today made me mad.
actually, it just made me want to cry.
everything upset me so much more than usual today.
and i fucking hate it.

when will everything start to fall into place?

You make breaking hearts look so easy...

the one thing that made my day today, was your high five.
thats sure silly of me.
but thank you for making me okay.

fucking sats tomorrow.
i cant focus long enough to do anything.
i dont know how im going to do that.
for real, im so fucked.

my hair is so curly lately.
and i like it.
but i never wear it curly.
ever.

im so sick of everyone asking me whats wrong, and why im so upset, and why im not happy.
no, im not okay, but im fine, and ill be fine.
im so sick of my family asking me why im so grumpy and why i dont talk.
its so annoying.

i want to read really bad right now.
i dont know why, but im in the mood to read.
except i have a shit ton of homework to do.
i hate school.
and teachers.
and when they feel the need to just give homework, just because they can.
um.
fuck school.

I know that I shouldn't let it get to me, but it does and who am I kidding?

ive never been so angry to have to wake up and go to school every morning than i am this year.

im sitting at home.
on a friday night.
my senior year of high school.
alone.
in the dark.
....im afraid of the dark.

i just painted my nails orange.
i fucking hate orang.
why did i do that?

i want to go to the book store.
i like it there.
i dont know why.
i want a new book.
really bad.
i dont know why?
im so weird.

my mind races non stop when i just have time to think.
and i hate it.
too many "what ifs" run through my head, and its annoying, because like you always used to tell me, its such a waste of time.
fuck.
i cant stop though.

oh my fucking goodness.
i miss you.

i think i have left my straightner on like 15 times since school started.
thats a lot.
good thing my house is still....alive?

my head is spinning.
i never sleep.
i cant fucking take it.
fuck.

my dad got locked out of my house last night.
at 11:30 at night.
i heard him trying to get in, but i didnt get out of bed to open the door.
what a lovely daughter.

there are way too many songs on my ipod that remind me of people that i want to forget.

Will we ever know if falling backwards could save us?

intro to foods.
worst fucking class ever.
theres no fucking way i am staying in that class.
1. the teacher said my name correct on the first try.
thats never happened to me before.
she kept saying my name.
reminding me of how stupid my name reallyyyy is.
and how dumb my parents are for naming such a name.
and really, why the fuck is it russian.
im not even russion.
honestly mom and day, what the fuck were you thinking..
2. when she was taking attendance, all the names she read, were little freshman bitches that ive heard my brother complaining about how much they suck, for like 4 years.
3. the last thing i want to do is be stuck having to work with all the people in that class.
i suppose thats a nice try on her part, trying to get all of her students to talk.
but bitch, not gonna happen.
4. most definitely an even worse choice than taking ap psych.
why do i continuously do stupid things over and over again.
seriously.
am i ever going to fucking learn.

i almost wish i was grounded.
because atleast thatd give me another reason to always be home, besides always fucking being sick.
fuck.

i wish this was easier.
i say that all the time, i know.
but this is just getting harder for me.
and i dont know what to do.
all my thoughts and actions and words are all starting to blend together.
nothing is making sense.
everything is too routine, yet, too unexpected.
all at the same time.
this is all happening too fast.
everything is coming and going.
leaving and entering.
and i cant fucking keep up.

theres nothing i can do anymore than makes me actually happy.
and honestly, that worries me.
maybe more than it should?
but i dont know what to do.
i dont know what to do with myself.
i seem to be lacking a lot of things lately.


Do you ever feel like you're working
for something you're never going to get.
You shoot and miss kind of deal
like, no matter what you can't have it,
but that makes you fight for it just a little bit more?

everyone seems to like it better when we dont talk.
everyone seems to like it better when im not around.
everyone seems to like it better when we're not friends.
everyone seems to be happier when im not here to bother them.

i miss you.
i need you.
i love you.
i hate you.

bitch, please.

please make everything stop hurting.
i'm trying so hard to be happy.
it's starting to be nearly impossible.

Maybe everyone can live beyond what they're capable of...

im alone, im not okay.

im back to heartache.
i promised myself id never be back to this again.
but here i am.

you will always be my favorite mistake.


i am nothing special,
and i want nothing more than
for you to tell me otherwise.

It seems that every hopeful pathway
leads to another dead end.

i know everything happens for a reason.
but what did i do to deserve this?
why did everything happen, just to make me so extremely unhappy and miserable?

how long is this going to go on for?
how long am i going ot be unhappy?
how long are we going to go without talking?
how long do you want to stay like this?

It's amazing how different your world would be
if you never met the one person who changed everything.

i didnt fucking see you at all today.
i dont know whats worse...
seeing you, but not talking to you.
or not seeing you at all.
i worry that the days we dont see each other, you forget that i even exist, and i never cross your mind.
actually thats funny, why do i bother worrying, i know thats what happens.

my dad is the one person that i can count on making me even more upset when im in a bad mood.
just kidding, michael too.

oh my, i feel so sick right now.

forever and always babe.



why do i always think that if i go against what you say, ill be happy.
because it never works.
and it makes me so fucking mad that youre always right.
because yeah, its nice sometimes, but why the fuck do you always get to be right.
especially when it has nothing to do with you.
im sick of you always getting your way.

katelynn fell walking up the stairs.
thanks for making me laugh for the first time today.

its probably my favorite thing ever when people tell me that ive been replaced.
as if its not enough already that ive realized youve replaced me, but for you to say it to me, it fucking sucked.

Sometimes a whisper gets more attention than a scream.

i wrote alex a note today.
it was quite long.
i wrote chelsie one too, but i never saw her, so she didnt get it.

all of the sudden i feel like i dont fit in anywhere.
not at school.
not at home.
not with my best friends.
and every time i  turn around, another person i have known forever, begins to feel like a stranger to me.
and im not sure i can handle this happening over and over again.

my dogs sitting on a bench outside.
i think its funny.

i was the only one in my psych class that got number 27 wrong on my test.
what a fucking accomplishment.

i feel like all of these entires lately are so similar.
they all repeat how much of a mess i am and how i cant handle this.
i dont even know why i bother writing on here.
i dont even say anything of any importance.
but i continue to do it anyways.
im dumb.

i love when my dad decides to let my dog in, then yell at me when he isnt watching her?
and i love when my dog decides to run around in circles and runs straight into the couch?
like full on.
hahahahahaha.
my dogs so weird.
but cool?

i miss having you be the first person i talk to every morning and the last person i talk to before i go to sleep.

i want to runaway.
i mean i reallyyyyyyyyy want to fucking runaway.
and its funny, because for the first time in forever, i dont care who is with me, or where the fuck i end up, but i just want out of here.

d lunch is absolutely horrible.

There's always gonna be that thing
you hate but can't change.
That one mistake you can't take back
and that one memory you would do anything
to have back again.

i feel like im going to pass out.
i really cant breathe.

i think the feeling of being replaced is quite possibly one of the worst feelings in the world.

my language is awful lately.
i hate swearing, i really do.
but i cant help it.
and whenever i try to speak, thats all that ever seems to come out.

Maybe it will hurt a little less
If I just pretend everything is okay.
Maybe it will completely disappear,
If I laugh a little louder.
Maybe I will want to live again.
If I just struggle through one more day.
Maybe my pretended happiness will become real.
If I believe that I will be okay with all my might.

i was so close to leaving the other day.
everybody was asleep.
and i just walked out of my house.
i sat in my car for about ten minutes.
i wanted to leave so bad.
and the only reason i didnt, was because the car is too loud when it starts.
what a dumb reason to hold me back.
next time, i wont make that same mistake.

i miss stephen.
a lotttt.
hes my favoriteee.
and i never get to see him.
and it bothers me.

i lost you.
youre gone.

why does everybody always comments on the fact that i fold notes really well?
thats the only thing im good at.
too bad its pointless.
and going to get me no where.
fuckers.



my puppy is now sitting on my lap.
shes cute when shes not wicked annoying.
and shes part cat.
which makes her weird.
but i like it.

i dont think you know how much it bothers me that we "argue?" lately.
youre my best friend.
i miss us being perfect.
for a while, you were always the "perfect constant" in my life.
you were my escape.
i need that back.

everyday feels like such a mistake.
like im living my life on repeat.

this is the most ridiculous entry ever.
i think i like that word?
i use it a lot.

my fuckinnnnn nails are orange.
im quite aware that i despise the color, why the fuck would i chose it?

katelynn, we need to do something stupid soon.
okay?
because i like our stupid adventures.

i go back and read all of our old conversations.
there are several.
and theyre not even from that long ago.
it fucking kills me.
we were perfect.
honestly, we were.
and now.
wtf.
ah.
i dont know.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.

part of me knows i need to move on.
part of me thinks theres a still a chance.
part of me hates you.
part of me loves you.
part of me wants to hit you across the face.
part of me wants to be held tight in your arms.
part of me thinks you can change.
part of me knows youll always be the same.
part of me doesnt want to tell you a thing.
part of me wants to tell you exactly how i feel.
part of me wants to cry when i see your face.
part of me wants to smile cuz thats the face i fell for.
part of me thinks every beautiful word out of your mouth is a lie.
part of me believes your every word because its exactly what i want to hear.

i have done somany things this year that i never wouldve imagined myself doing.

i hate myself more then you hate me.
i cant live up to all your expectations you have planned out for me.
sometimes its hard enough trying to keep it altogether.
trying to fake a huge smile.
what the fucking heck.
i dont need this right now.
i cant stand my own life.
i cant get by day to day.
so now how can i possibly be your idea of a...
daughter.
sister.
friend.
im not perfect.

dear patrick,
you have a little user account name thingy on my computer.
you havent been over enough lately to use it.
come back and live at my house again please?
k thanks.
love,
me.

have you ever felt like you've become the worst version of yourself?
yeah, thats where im at.




i like writing private entries.


okay im going to stop now.

the end.















sincerely,
without you.

"Maybe we like the pain.
Maybe we're wired that way.
Because without it, I don't know;
maybe we just wouldn't feel real.
What's that saying?
Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?
Because it feels so good when I stop."


honestly, i didnt think this was going to be this hard.
this is fucking killing me...
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.


today, you made me laugh because you say random things.
today, you tried to text my grandma?
today, you visited me during all my classes....more than once.
today, you tried to talk to me a little too much.
today, we looked at each other several times, just like we used to.
today, you were a good friend.
today, you were extra unhappy, and i didnt like it.
today, you told me you missed me.
today, you looked really good.
today, you were fucking mean, and it pissed me off.
today, we talked more than usual.
today, you bitched to me. about my best friend. you really think i wasnt gonna say anything. ha.

I push people away who start to
love me because I know that if
they stopped loving me, it would
kill me.

why? did i fall for you so hard?
why? didnt i do my psych test correctives yesterday?
why? did i even take ap psych?
why? do i do wicked dumb things?
why? am i always so unhappy?
why? is everything so distracting to me?
why? do i seem to make you so angry?
why? do i have to see you everywhere?
why? do we still look at each other?
why? do i do things that remind me of you? on purpose?
why? is everything i do so extremely wrong?
why? isnt this getting any easier?
why? cant i ever focus?
why? do i think im funny when im not?
why? do i love you a little more everyday?
why? do you read this?
why? is everyone happier without me?

Welcome to my world.
Where everyone I ever need,
Always ends up leaving me alone.

i wish...i could laugh as much as i did today, but actually mean it.
i wish...you were at my house. because its thursday. youre supposed to be here.
i wish...i didnt miss you this much, because this is killing me.
i wish...my brother didnt just attach my dogs leash to my chair.
i wish...it wasnt raining right now. because the rain reminds me of you.
i wish...we were in the library for psych every day. because me, sarah and alex are funny when we dont do anything.
i wish...my brother wasnt fucking screaming at me...from the fucking bathroom.
i wish...i really didnt have to switch lunches.
i wish...this was easier for me.
i wish...my dad didnt always fucking yell at me. because it upsets me more than he realises.

being without you will take a lot of getting used to.

just because im quiet, doesnt mean i dont have a lot to say.
just because i laugh, doesnt mean im happy.
just because im sarcastic, doesnt mean i dont take things seriously.
just because i forgive, doesnt mean i forget.
just because i dont seem like im listening to your problems, doesnt mean i dont care.
just because im vulnerable, doesnt mean i deserve to be lied to.
just because im stubborn, doesnt mean im not easy going.
just because i dont show my feelings, doesnt mean im okay.
just because im honest, doesnt mean im outspoken.

I think the worst feeling is being forgotten about,
by someone you could never forget

i think thattttt i find peoples imperfections to be fascinating.
i think thattttt its unnecessary to see you inbetween every single one of my classes.
i (still) think thattttt youre kinda sorta really cute.
i think thattttt im not looking forward to tomorrow.
i think thattttt i cant breathe right now? and that ive taken my inhalor an unhealthy amount of times today.
i think thattttt medicine is useless.
i think thattttt i listen to disney music too much...and yaa make fun of mee =/
i think thattttt if i did one thing differently this never wouldve happend?
i think thattttt you, of all people, shouldnt read this.
i think thattttt brandi should come to my house now.
i think thattttt im really sick of living off of soup.
i think thattttt im really tired.
i think thattttt i probably should be doing homework.
i think thattttt i like walking katelynn to her after school destinations...and when we drive there?

you think you're prepared for the worst
but then it actually happens

i remember when: me brandi heather nichole mercedes and stephanie were alwayas together.
i remember when: there was something that made me happy everyday.
i remember when: my freshman year, when i sat next to sarah in algebra, and she used to draw on my arm. daily.
i remember when: me and brandi got out schedules the summer after 8th grade, and were on the phone for so long talking about how we had every class together except for one.
i remember when: me patrick and katelynn were together every single day.
i remember when: i didnt want to go to arizona. except it was perfect.
i remember when: i went to my first concert in 5th grade...with colleen.
i remember when: me and brandi had applied arts with heather.
i remember when: me patrick brandi and josh attempted to go to the movies. in the rain. but didnt.
i remember when: i had the perfect christmas.
i remember when: me and katelynn didnt even talk, but saw each other all the time.
i remember when: american studies was the class i looked forward to going to the most.
i remember when: me and brandi did illegal things.
i remember when: i told my mom i was going somewhere, but went over to your house instead.best decision ever.
i remember when: my family actually got along.
i remember when: i first found out you liked me.
i remember when: the first time we started talking, you thought i was so weird. ha ha
i remember when: lucyyy used to get so mad whenever my brother tried to play saxophone. because hes awful.
i remember when: you were the first person i talked to every morning.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you;
you just have to find the ones worth suffering for.

i wonder- what it feels like to fit in.
i wonder- what it feels like to be wanted.
i wonder- what it feels like to actually belong.
i wonder- why i cant be happy again.
i wonder- why i really cant focus on anything.
i wonder- why i have woken up every morning at 5:23am since last tuesday.
i wonder- what compels michael to be so fucking annoying.
i wonder- why people lie.
i wonder- why me and alex barely talk even though we have a class together every single day and sit next to each other.
i wonder- why this is the worst year ever.
i wonder- why my puppy hates me. a lot.
i wonder- i feel like i made things so awkward for us.
i wonder- why i feel the need to listen to every song on my ipod.
i wonder- why i dont have that one thing that im really good at.
i wonder- what would have happend if we didnt talk that one day in your/his car.


We tell lies when we are afraid, afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid about what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie the things we fear grow stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. because no one waits forever





fuckkkk.
seriously.
its thursday.
why arent you here?
fuck, i miss you.



love,
me